[[I'm a OnE wAY mOtoRwAy]]

So this is where I stand.
Things are a bit beyond my comfort level and maybe I lack the compassion I once had but I have faced:

• Being abandoned so that she could go 200 miles away for almost a half year.

• Stepping into a foreign environment and having to get a job and provide for two people, RIGHT out of high-school, all by myself.

• Her being a new caliber of mean she never even hinted at the first year of our relationship.

• All of the heart wrenching things she has said to me about how much of an asshole I am and how I don't love her enough or care enough.

and through all of that... I just have been starting to get the feeling that I am not at fault for this as much as she makes seem to be. She turned into a distrusting, demeaning, angry woman over my lack of patience for bullshit (which is a relatively new thing, seeing as I put up with almost infinite amounts of bullshit up until the third month of being away from her) and she hates ME for it. It's gotten a little bit too hard for me to keep up.

I told her that I can't keep living my life like this.

She really has been the best thing I have ever had going for me but the way things have been is getting to be too much. I feel like this entire relationship is wavering. She has become worse to me than any other girl has ever been and it's gotten to a point where who I am when I try to handle it is pretty bad. She promised things would get better more than half a year ago and to this day things have stayed pretty static. I need the real her back or else I will become the one thing I promised her, god, and myself that I would never ever be again...

alone.

[aT This mOmmEnT, yoU mEAn EVerYtHing to mE]

hehe soooo I haven't blogged in a long while, and I am sorry
BUT it's because i have been RATHER caught up in things with Erica
I have spent this WHOLE break with her other than the two days she was in the valley
(which were horrible might I add... every lonely second EXcEPT when I hung out with Jay-Son and Justin)
hehe aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand
*this is the shocking part*
aaaas of tonight...
...after TECHNICALLY being together for like 8 months
me and Erica are officially boyfriend and girlfriend :]
I feel... AMAzING! actually... I can't even begin to explain how happy I am with her
I know I said I am scared of having it end, but as of now, I am not worried about that anymore
at alll
I am trusting her that it won't :]
I.Love.Her. <3>

hehe youuu know, one thing that I find kind of "nEEt"?
IIII am not "dating" Erica, but I just... I am HER'S
I have no problem with that either, like at all
and it's funny that I am soo commited to her, but we aren't TOGETHER...
I am soo happy with that... the fact that I am not with her with her, but I am still only her's...
just a small snippet from my noggin... I'mma go see her soon so

peace.

[i JuST wAnt yOuR eXTra TiME aNd youR..... KiSS]

goshdamn... WHY IS THAT GIRL SOO FUCKING AMAZING?
and I mean, it's not like I am complaining or that I mind
I don't
....
not. one. bit.
she makes me all giggly and cute on the inside
and I LOVE it
she just has this way of being soo perfectly amazing for me, like... I never expected I could be this captivated by an individual... she just... wins me over :]
and it's like... hard to control myself around her, I just... don't want to
you know? I want her to know that I have no problem with being all hers
:]

[My BoDy'S jUmpiN and i go THROUGH tHE mOTiONs and i'm LEAviNG oN ThiS JoURnEY maYbE sOmEDAY I'lL cOME RuNNiN HoME to YoU]

ha... soooooo I think sometimes (believe it or not) but no... seriously
I think sometimes, about the situations I get myself into and I almost completely concluded the other day that I am not going to have sex... like.... ha EVER it seems, and.... I am seriously trying REALLY hard to be ok with that.

ya know, because I love physical attention, but I mean.... and I am not saying that I am ungrateful for what we do because I love kissing her and touching her, but I mean... I am addicted to physical attention, so I ALWAYS want more, I'm not saying that I never want to just cuddle or just talk, but in general, do you get what I am saying? shit why am I asking a computer if it gets what I am saying... I'm loosing it... I'm just saying... I mean, I Love Erica enough to where I am fine with any decision she makes and if that decision is not to have sex, then... I guess I have to just try to live with that, because after all, it really isn't that important.....
.
...
...
...
..
.
it's just hard for me... ha I don't know why I am venting to you blogspot... mayhaps I am ust in that sort of mood?
I don't know, I just need to TRY... fuck....

[blow the caNdlEs ouT... LooKs LiKE a SoLo toniGHT]

sddfgdsfhhdrthdhre34ghgjrte580ds5f6v48d05dsad;lmSADG:
that's what me slamming on the keyboard screaming FUCK in the back of my mind looks like today, kids... enjoy.

I just feel... oh my god, I am soo beyond not okay for some reason right now...
I am SO seriously a step away from not ever opening up to anyone but my paper and pencil, ever again... Do you not fucking understand that it really wasn't easy for me to say that at all? and what do you do?... you just fujcwkjkkja njp[ods ugh
I am starting to hate myself for even bothering to complain about it, I try to tell you something that means a lot to me and you just.. play it off...
yeah maybe I made it awkward, oh well
maybe you are pissed off at me, whatever
I was in tears trying to apologize to you and YOU said "it's okay", but do your actions say "it's okay"? FUCK NO... do you know what they say to me?
hmm?
they say "leave me alone"

and that's what hurts...

[ok... so I HAVE RElaXeD a BiT]

I cleared everything up with brushia which is good but I mean
my problem is...
yes... I like Erica
but you can't be trying to force me to date her people, that's not right
if it does happen, it will be when I feel ready