[aT This mOmmEnT, yoU mEAn EVerYtHing to mE]

hehe soooo I haven't blogged in a long while, and I am sorry
BUT it's because i have been RATHER caught up in things with Erica
I have spent this WHOLE break with her other than the two days she was in the valley
(which were horrible might I add... every lonely second EXcEPT when I hung out with Jay-Son and Justin)
hehe aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand
*this is the shocking part*
aaaas of tonight...
...after TECHNICALLY being together for like 8 months
me and Erica are officially boyfriend and girlfriend :]
I feel... AMAzING! actually... I can't even begin to explain how happy I am with her
I know I said I am scared of having it end, but as of now, I am not worried about that anymore
at alll
I am trusting her that it won't :]
I.Love.Her. <3>

hehe youuu know, one thing that I find kind of "nEEt"?
IIII am not "dating" Erica, but I just... I am HER'S
I have no problem with that either, like at all
and it's funny that I am soo commited to her, but we aren't TOGETHER...
I am soo happy with that... the fact that I am not with her with her, but I am still only her's...
just a small snippet from my noggin... I'mma go see her soon so

peace.

[i JuST wAnt yOuR eXTra TiME aNd youR..... KiSS]

goshdamn... WHY IS THAT GIRL SOO FUCKING AMAZING?
and I mean, it's not like I am complaining or that I mind
I don't
....
not. one. bit.
she makes me all giggly and cute on the inside
and I LOVE it
she just has this way of being soo perfectly amazing for me, like... I never expected I could be this captivated by an individual... she just... wins me over :]
and it's like... hard to control myself around her, I just... don't want to
you know? I want her to know that I have no problem with being all hers
:]

[My BoDy'S jUmpiN and i go THROUGH tHE mOTiONs and i'm LEAviNG oN ThiS JoURnEY maYbE sOmEDAY I'lL cOME RuNNiN HoME to YoU]

ha... soooooo I think sometimes (believe it or not) but no... seriously
I think sometimes, about the situations I get myself into and I almost completely concluded the other day that I am not going to have sex... like.... ha EVER it seems, and.... I am seriously trying REALLY hard to be ok with that.

ya know, because I love physical attention, but I mean.... and I am not saying that I am ungrateful for what we do because I love kissing her and touching her, but I mean... I am addicted to physical attention, so I ALWAYS want more, I'm not saying that I never want to just cuddle or just talk, but in general, do you get what I am saying? shit why am I asking a computer if it gets what I am saying... I'm loosing it... I'm just saying... I mean, I Love Erica enough to where I am fine with any decision she makes and if that decision is not to have sex, then... I guess I have to just try to live with that, because after all, it really isn't that important.....
.
...
...
...
..
.
it's just hard for me... ha I don't know why I am venting to you blogspot... mayhaps I am ust in that sort of mood?
I don't know, I just need to TRY... fuck....

[blow the caNdlEs ouT... LooKs LiKE a SoLo toniGHT]

sddfgdsfhhdrthdhre34ghgjrte580ds5f6v48d05dsad;lmSADG:
that's what me slamming on the keyboard screaming FUCK in the back of my mind looks like today, kids... enjoy.

I just feel... oh my god, I am soo beyond not okay for some reason right now...
I am SO seriously a step away from not ever opening up to anyone but my paper and pencil, ever again... Do you not fucking understand that it really wasn't easy for me to say that at all? and what do you do?... you just fujcwkjkkja njp[ods ugh
I am starting to hate myself for even bothering to complain about it, I try to tell you something that means a lot to me and you just.. play it off...
yeah maybe I made it awkward, oh well
maybe you are pissed off at me, whatever
I was in tears trying to apologize to you and YOU said "it's okay", but do your actions say "it's okay"? FUCK NO... do you know what they say to me?
hmm?
they say "leave me alone"

and that's what hurts...

[ok... so I HAVE RElaXeD a BiT]

I cleared everything up with brushia which is good but I mean
my problem is...
yes... I like Erica
but you can't be trying to force me to date her people, that's not right
if it does happen, it will be when I feel ready

[mY EYES aRe ScrEAMinG aT YoUr FacE]

ok >:I

I am a bit pissed off right now... not HORRIBLY but enough to say the least....

I find today, from a friend some information that I am going to settle out tomorrow, but the gist of which is:
I guess he was flirting with a girl that I like a whole bunch, at the begining this week, ignorant of the fact that we have a thing, he says he wouldn't have done it if he had know, but now that he does he feels like a homewrecker, I don't mind though, what ever she wants to do I guess, but he says that, and this is where I got pissed, BRUSHIA fucking went around and spat off about how she saw me making out with a bunch of other girls. THAT is where I fucking lost it and tomorrow I am going to lay into her lying ass about it.

I could hardly believe that she would fucking say something like that,  if it wasn't enough to know that the girl I like had no problem flirting with my friend but that another friend of mine was trying to screw me over....

Erica is the girl that I was like... ALL for, but I mean lately it's asthough that is going to end,

she doesn't talk to me... EVER

about her problems I mean, not in general, she talks, but never about how she feels, what she thinks, what really matters, ya know? and it is just real hard to have a "thing" without communication...

you know, and I guess Erica believes her, NOBODY came to me and asked me about it...

fucking nobody, Ethan had to tell me that Brushia was saying it to him

trying to get him to hook up with Erica...

trust these days... who can even do it??

I am only going to explain this to the internet ONE more time... I am not dating

it's NOT that I don't like anyone enough

it's NOT that I want to be a "whore" (this is another big FUCK YOU to Brushia)

it's NOT that I like seeing people in pain

it is because I am incapable of seeing why, why do it? why start something when you don't want it to end? it's always that horrid fucking title, that boyfriend/girlfriend title that seems like it ALWAYS has to end, what if that is not what I want?

I haven't felt capable of dating for a LONG time now, it's not that I don't want to date, I can think of several times I have gotten a glance that makes me want to date a certain girl or times that I have just thought, "damn I want to call you mine"

I just don't feel like I would succeed if I tried....

I feel like if I did it I would ruin it and hurt me more and hurt the other party even, and that leads to another reason I have.

I KNOW what it feels like to be broken, and I don't wish that upon anybody and I sure as hell don't want to inflict it on to anybody.

SO I don't want to hear another gosh damn person tell me that I should date, ANYONE

if I do it will be in my own time and if it ends, that will be THE END of my dating career

FUCK... I don't even know...

[BUT oN thEcONTraRy]

you know... I remember someone mentioning (directed toward me) that they are"not just some toy sitting around for your pleasure, to do with what you please." or something to that number and I found it funny, I kinda did... because it is the EXACT opposite, yes I am also a person but I am the toy if anyone involved is and it's ALWAYS that way, I don't mind but I mean look at it, more particularly the person who said whom I hope reads this, EVERY TIME we have kissed it was because you wanted it, you got close to me so I hardly had to make a move and that means I am not the one who is being like (HEY! KISS ME!)... I think that is you, and I don't mind, not one bit, ever... with most of the people I have or will kiss, but please don't insinuate that I am using you, yeah I am the one with the physical action addiction but you are the one who gets in my face and wants it which makes me want it more

but i mean i am willing to cut it off if you sincerely don't see where I am coming from, I am the toy out of us... not you
because i am the one who will let anyone i kind of care for pick me up and use me for their pleasure....

[ LiT up SmIlEs :) ]

you know, it's almost pathetic of me... I get more upset with myself for being upset with myself then I should... really I do.
I mean, I don't have problems with me as myself, like who I am, just.... more or less, the womanly complaint of not being attractive
I know I'm not
I am almost 17, a junior in highschool and I have had 2 girlfriends... 2 REAL girlfriends, EVER....
granted I have some girls who like me every so often for I don't quite know why, but if ANYTHING better came by (which happens and isn't too hard to see) I am to be thrown down fast.
FORTUNATE ME, huh?
I know I know people are like it can't be that bad, but seriously I see horrible people who are much more attractive than me and I get frustrated, girls with guys who treat them worse than they deserve and I don't see why, I understand that no matter how much ANYONE tries to bullshit, really, what's outside counts, A LOT... no one is going to take the time to find out who you are if what you look like sucks... that's my problem....

LIFE?

life... is.... pretty good, really...
like, outside of that, which is damn near my one ever-present complaint, I mostly don't have any.... I am still a tid sick, though, I have spent a week with strep throat, and I am getting better.

I didn't give anybody else strep throat... :]
that's good

now I am waiting for my friends to get back.... and there they are

[WheN i lET yoU DowN, i WAnT YoU tO SMiLE fOR yOu]

BECAUSE THIS IS FAIR?

I am a little done with me being the bad guy this week... soo
I've decide to just let it go, because if I don't I am going to end up crying and hurt and done completely.

I guess you win?

honestly I don't see how what I was doing was making anything unfair, unjust or "way more than it needs to be"
I didn't talk to you for 3 freakin days... and not even three whole days either because I would Myspace you and text you.... so yeah fuck me I guess
but I'll talk to you
thankyou.
I just don't care anymore

[aNOthEr SWeEt MooN LUL, anoTHER GrEAT DaYs DoNE]

*sigh*
haha so, I am sorta frustrated, I am hoping to just freakin' tackle what I need to get done (getting good at musical instruments in my possession and getting my tattoo career started up) and I keep getting set backs, but I will get to it, I am trying to get faster at the guitar... and Iam going to be picking back up learning Piano and as soon as I get a car I can get Violin lessons again...
but anyway
My brothers have stuff ironed out I guess, Levi got a good job offer in Payson and he is taking off in like two weeks or less and Matt and Justin are both going to Phoenix... (well Mesa) I am glad to see that I think they have stuff ironed out and doing what they want to do but I mean I will miss them, I mean they are finally actually leaving i guess... I'll still see them though... and when i graduate I know for a fact I am headed west for a home-sted...

getting a car isn't paning out at this second
but it will
and getting a job isn't going smoothly either
but it might...

mmmm

ok, so yesterday we went down to Globe to pick up Matt, all is good (pretty much) now, his lies caught up with him and Lindsey didn't want him anymore, but I don't even know
the whole thing is silly and confusing
but it's good to have Matt back :]
I want cake

[aND aS THE 'ShiP WEnt doWn alL I HEarD wAS LIES]

oh my freaking fucking god damn FUCK....
I can hardly even believe my best friend right now
Dude like tens years ok...

I don't see Matt for a day... he shows up at my house one afternoon with Lindsey...

he "HATES" Lindsey, his ex fiancee then all of a sudden he starts talking to her again and low and behold, cheats on his girlfriend with her, then a few weeks later (today/yesterday) he breaks up with her telling her it was all her fault basiclly and is now back with his EX and in Thatcher because she says that she might be pregnant from when they fucked, so they get back together...

"I am going to go to school and stay here with Lindsey" says he

He took off lastnight at midnight I guess, with Justin's, Levi's, and My skate board in the back of her car, soo when we noticed we didn't have them we call to find out what was up and they tell us what's going on, they say a week but I knew it was a lie, I tell him he is going to get expelled from the school from missing soo many days, then he tells me that he's going to just stay there... he's not going to graduate, he is crashing his life... she's probbly not pregnant at all, just greedy for attention... and all we wanted to do was stop that from happening but now I guess we might not be friends, I wish it wasn't soo...

he throws a fit at us because we tell him he needs to be back by wednesday or he's going to recieve a prompt ass whooping, he says all we care about is our skateboards... not true, I care about his future... our friendship and alll of what Lindsey is trying. and succeeding to end...

I am glad... VERY glad I have the friends I have... back when I was little I had basiclly three bestfriends... Matt, James, and Justin... Justin decided his senior year he was a new person, that he hated me and my people, that he was going to be a shit kicker and join the military and that he didn't need me anymore... James changed... WAYYYY too much and now his life is just his car and crappy job... that's it... then Matt.... this whole thing.... I hate it

now I have Justin, and Levi... a few other lesser ranked friends, goodfriends, but not my brothers as Justin and Levi are... as Bazan, Shortt and Devlin were.... I am glad I do have them though...

this situation fucking sucks.

how-ever this blows over, I hope he has a great life... (though it's likely he won't)

[SoFT sPoKEn WiTH a BRoKen JAw]

hmmmm, how are you Blogger? yeah?.......... yeah?
well that's nifty I guess...

girls... haha.. I think I may have problems in the whole being a ladies man thing, I am not... I am not every other guy at all... it seems like EVERY other guy has better luck with girls than me... except for like.... the Super Nerd assholes... Chess Club and gay community

I like a girl or so, this will be(and has been) what happens to be, they either a: have a boyfriend b: don't like me that way or C: never notice how much I would love to be with them or in a lot of circumstances all of the above

no fun, I am just going to... I don't even know, sometimes I think I might maybe want to date again then I get pushed away from it more and more so I think I am just going to float on and stick away from it....

oh well

haha

UPDATE: Girl Situation...

all ended... every one of them, Erica and I have dropped what was there I guess, which is fine... except not really... at all

I am coming to terms with being hideous, I guess I look soo much the same as I did when I was a little kid to some people and I HATE hearing that... I would like to be attractive, to someone... anyone?... I don't even know... maybe someday? I'm not waiting up for it tho...

life goes on

SOOoooOOooooOo

I HATE my job, it seriously appears as though I am putting in my two weeks within the month of September.
it's not soo much the job it's self, but the conditions, hours and Manager (Jamie)
he's just not nice to me haha
also

Inglourious Basterds, also damn good movie... go see it

Life... life is great actually, now that I think about it, yeah I have sex hormones coming from evcery direction so to speak due to my lack of any girl which is a total downer but eh :] I am getting some time in for art and music and I still get a smile atleast once every 30 minutes

[wAStE my TiME wiTh YoU]

ugh... tonight tonight
boring... I am a little upset... trying to fix that though
and I have to go to sleep before 1
I have work tomorrow
my manager never called with my schedule, but I am going in at 11 as usual anyway

I am done doing nothing all say... I don't do it much, but I hate it, I am going to carry my writing and drawing books around with me so if I stop doing something, I can start doing something else

uff
I am feeling
weird....
sorta
meh anyway

[RidING tHe BuLLeT trAiN]

you know what I FUCKING HATE??... soggy taquitos... you know, when you cook 'em in the microwave and they get all limp? It PISSES ME OFF

bad

so anyway... how are we doing?
by we I mean me, asking myself, not you (sorry I don't want to sound conceited)

but oh?
things are pretty ok, I guess...
I mean OTHER things are GREAT
like my breathing, PHEW has that ever been better

.
I do this thing called digging myself a hole sometimes... then I just lay there until I become bored, ya know?
I end up troubling myself with girls sometimes, it's not purposefully but it happens.
I like girls when I don't want to like girls in that way as to avoid complication in myself or them... by which I mean, I don't want to "date" anyone right now... but I do like getting close to someones and kissing someones, and I've found that sometimes I do that with someones I'd like to date... but some other time, in another light.
then... sometimes I feel like I do want to date people, that I'd love to get physically and emotionally close to someone and mean something to them, but know I would regret it in the morning... in a week.... when it's over


right now... I am a little bit stuck in the middle of all of those, It's strange... but I'll figure out what I want to do





.
..
...
..._.
..._..
..._...
..._..
.....
...
..
.


on a side (and completely unrelated note),
I haven't hung out with Justin or Levi in over a week... it's new to me, you know? I haven't gone this long without them, I'll live though, I mean I've got to get used to it, they are leaving for much longer than a week in about a week or two...

WHICH REMINDS ME... I have to go back to school in 4 weeks and 1 days... it's sort of depressing
well... anyway

smile however you want to :]

[fOr BLooD aNd FoR CHARity]

(July 4th)
GIRL PROBLEMS: are mostly nonexistant now.. I just.... ended it all I guess.... Sabrina doesn't talk to me anymore, Sydni understands that we are over, Carrissa doesn't much talk to me anymore, and Erica I think there is no problem.... maybe? I'll find out after the fireworks when I come back to my house/a computer so that I can format this goddamn thing....

(July 8th)
I've realized how much it sucks to do basically nothing for days, it feels... GAH... I don't like it... I think I am going to just draw all over myself and everything in my room... and write and scream and sing and sleep... and.... I don't even know

you know, I've realized it sure does seem like you're ditching someone when you make no attempts to contact them for days on end after leaving them suddenly without warning... neat, huh?

I've hung out with my brother a few of these days though... he tells me that we are similar... that we are similar... SIMILAR... I guess you could say that, if by similar you meant different passed explanation then yeah, we spent around 8 years under the same roof then he left then I left then he came back and I don't plan on that, I don't like being home, wherever home is for now. If HOME is where my parents are, my parents that I can't go more than a few simple hours without almost being brought to tears by their desperate attempts to argue over something small and senseless, haha yeah, home.

I have just been sitting here... waking up even later day by day doing nothing except small exercises and videogames... how do people live like this? not to judge but damn... giving you the benefit of the doubt you are morally stronger than me I guess, I can't do it.... I NEED to do things... and I am going to..... tomorrow... for now I think I will finish my run on Need For Speed: Most Wanted, draw a picture... eat some taqitos and look for a way out of this god forsaken house

[I DOn't MiNd. you'RE SoMEOne ThaT AIN'T Mine... or SOMEONE thaT I'lL GeT]

almost a Rainy Monday Lyric... but not.... it's Tuesday.... it DID rain on Monday... but that's just technical stuff...

god... you ever really stop to appreciate how confusing things can get with the opposite sex? only when another member of the SAME sex is involved though... god I love it... except not really, it makes me feel like crap...
:\
meh

I haven't really updated my whole... girl situation in a while so let's do that :]

Erica: I can't complain... Erica is probbly the one I am liking the most to be honest, I haven't seen her in a while and I think she may be giving up on me... which... was kind of inevitable, I mean... I am not too sure what I was thinking to think that we would work... she probably wants someone more like her... I really like her.... maybe I want what she wants? I don't know... confusing it is

in case it wasn't painfully obvious... I end up having issues when it comes to girls... A LOT... only when we are more than MORE than friends... like... when we are friends, it's ok... when we are MORE THAN friends... still ok... when it gets more intense... I start getting scarred... is it bad that I am terrified of being hurt again?... ha and the one that instilled that fear into me is coming back to Show Low next year.... oh yeah, fun right? but no, I am just going to seriously COMPLETELY ignore her existence....

I want a FFuckiN' CapRiSuN...


... this is my new hair....
it's only like half done




GOD I feel like SHIIIIITTTT

I want my troubles to just go away... I want people to maybe be a little more pleasant to be around but most of all [as weird as it is]... I want people to stop smoking around me... it's hurting to breathe and really? can't you smoke when I am not around? it's stupid

NEWER update:

Erica: I actually saw her today aaaaaaaaaaaaaand :] it went pretty well...

Sydni: ...noyeah nothing

Carissa: ...



am I starting to hurt people?... I am really feeling like an ass in the ice for what I am getting from people... that I am starting to hurt other people's feelings and that just doesn't sit well with me
I don't want to hurt anybody
I know what its like to be hurt
it's not at all fun
and someone told me today they thought I was using them, I don't get how buuut... she said that and I felt like an asssss... I would never use someone, I am trying nott to even seem like I am using anyone... that would make me the worse person I have ever been
I want to improve... not suck worse

"if you're going to suck, suck good" is what I say

[things I would DO TO EmMa WatsoN IF I hAD tHe InViSiBiLiTy CLOAK]

a list brought to you collectively by Justin and oZ

*Kinap her

*talk to her on set of the new Harry Potter Movie

*Kidnap her

*Follow her home pretending to be the wind

*Put a bag over her head and throw her in the van

*Run her into the wall as though I was a hard gust of wind in turn knocking her out and acting like nothing happened when he finally came to, and proceed to have a most delightful tea party with her

[it's a long list, I just never got around to finishing it, sorry Emma]

[¿dO YoU SEE my pRoBLeM?]

it's kind of like... I hate competition...
not because I don't think I am good enough
I don't
it's that, I guess I want everyone else to be happy, which sometimes imposes on my being happy which sucks
a lot

like say, my PRIME example, when some guy likes the same girl I like, and she is kind of interested in him, I get SOOO bummed out and a lot of the times I just try to stop liking that person because they have someone else who could probblyy be better for them then me... I don't know

that's my problem as it...

am I too good of a person?

am I just a total pussy?

I don't know... I just hate it SOO DAMN MUCH

especially when I like someone A LOT then I catch wind of fuckin' Sancho here and it seems as though they are soo much more interested in him then they are of me... what do I do? a lot of the time I just ease on the breaks and fall on my damn face and make myself look like an idiot, part of life? I don't know about you but it is MOST CERTAINLY part of mine...

[liGHt Up ANoThER OnE]

it's a little ridiculous...
I mean, I am not going to say I am more important than weed or some-such
but is it wrong for me to get upset that my friends choose smoking and drinking over me?

like, not just my everyday acquaintances I mean my best friends being like, "hey we are all going to get fucked up, see you later"

it sort of gets to me.

haha, sooo my ex decided to send me a message on myspace, trying to talk to me and such, giving me this shit wrap about how she misses me and what else...

so I tell her off, tell her that I don't want her desperate shit and that she was the one who tore us apart, and she just had to deal with it. Then she goes on the defensive and is a;; "RENENENE NOW I CAN HAVE FRIENDS NOW THAT I AM NOT WITH YOU" which sorta pissed me off... she says that shit as though I didn't let her have friends... what the fuck? It seems as though she is SOO desperate to not be the bad guy that she comes up with shit to attack me with... so I just told her to stop talking to me again, I like it better that way... all in favor of she's a total bitch and a half?... aye!

[LiSt oF aNoNyMoUs ShoRt LetTeRS]

thankyou for talking to me almost everyday, though you went behind my back and told everyone that I seek attention, I really only told those problems to you.

thankyou for talking about banging and getting with my hardest crush that I STILL DO like and have since freshman year, I don't care that you probbly could have her if you decided you want to, she would be much more than a fuck to me.

thankyou for holding my hand, it meant more than it seemed.

thankyou for liking me, though you don't know I know... makes me feel special.

i like you... i really do, but i know that if i date you, we'll only last a month tops... and i don't want that, i don't want to date anyway... kinda... it's complicated, but thankyou for being something with me

you make me feel special and are really cute and your smile melts me, and i like you quite a lot, but i don't thaink that we would work...

if I were to date anyone right now, if anyone, i would more than deffinatly want that someone to be you.

you are probbly one of the people I am VERY glad I became friends with this year

you and i should stay friends, i have a few more years of highschool left, why not?

thankyou for not changing like it seems almost eveyone else is.

thankyou for changing, it hurts to know that I barely even have one of my oldest friends anymore.

your lies are sweet.

your not my friend, you or your brother... leave me alone.

you need to leave me alone, I am happier now than i was with you which is quite a feet, but it is true, so leave me alone and let me be happy.

i wish that i could help you find someone better for you, you don't deserve this.

you disgust me but i am still your friend.

I know you lie to me, to everyone... it's almost sad, but i still talk to you... why?

why are you lying to her? she does like you, she does still want to be with you and you keep telling her that you want her too but I am not seeing it anymore, she isn't either. then you go around talking about all kinds of other girls... what the hell man?

you need to stop being soo desperate... it's kind of sad.

you make me feel like i don't deserve to make someone feel special.

[mmmmmAybE]

new blog? why yes... the old one was... out of date to say the least
bored? yes... basically

pissed, just a little but hey
I am not like, GRR GRR FUCKIN A
I'm just like... meh
but yes... I will likely blog something of some mild form of entertainment sometime soon... for now... I just wanted to be like, HEY...